Friday, 9 April 2010

My Wanky Internet Dating Profile - Part 1

Music: Binary Love - The Rakes

OK, so first things first with this internet dating malarkey.  I have to create a profile for myself.


Or so I thought. It really is a lot harder than it looks. I have to find a clear photograph of myself looking straight at the camera and it has to be a headshot. Right then...

(An hour or so later….)

I’ve been looking though all the photos of me on my computer and Facebook and out of hundreds I can only find two that I’m happy to have linked to my online dating profile. Two photos! The rest are group shots, long shots or photos from drunken nights out. I thought I might strike lucky with some of my holiday photos, but then I realised that my hair straighteners didn’t work in America (so those ones are a no-no), the photos of me in Italy were taken when I was a bit porky and in the rest I look a bit greasy because of the sun cream.

I’ve settled for a photo of taken in London a few months ago (one of the few photos I think I look quite pretty in) and a picture taken at the start of a night out before too many glasses of wine were consumed. I’ve submitted the photos knowing that it will take at least a day for them to appear on the site, so I might as well give some thought to what I’m going to write in my profile.


I’ve quickly realised that this is even harder than searching for a passable photograph. There are so many sections to complete, and all the time I’m conscious that I have to make it interesting and witty enough for the kind of guy I’m looking for to want to read it.

Sod this.

I decide to fill in my basic information, as this bit is easy.

Age: 29

Relationships: Never married

Want kids: Someday

Ethnicity: White/Caucasian

Body Type: About average

(I’m a UK size 12, so as much as I’d love to I think I’d be lying if I say I am slender, as I reckon that’s a size10 or under)

Height: 5’8” (172cms)

Religion: Christian / Protestant

Smoke: No way

Drink: Social drinker, maybe one or two. (Ha! Well I socially drink one or two bottles of vino…)

Hair: Blonde  (ish. Dark blonde I suppose)

Eyes: Blue

Best Feature: Legs

Sports/Exercise: Gym; Weights/Machines; Aerobics

Exercise habits: 2-3 times per week

Daily Diet: Keep it healthy

Interests: Coffee and Conversation; Dining out; Movies/Videos; Museums and art; Music and concerts; Nightclubs/Dancing; Playing cards; Shopping; Travel/Sightseeing; Watching sports

(Just how lame is this section? This is why internet dating makes me feel like a loser. Coffee and Conversation? Seriously?)

Education: Bachelors degree

Occupation: Technical/Computers

Languages: English, French (basic)

Politics: Liberal

Star Sign: Don't believe in that nonsense

My place: Live alone

Pets I have: Fish

Pets I like: Cats; Dogs

OK good.  That will do for now. 

I'm off for a cup of tea and a lie down in a dark room.  I'm sure internet dating isn't supposed to be such a harrowing experience...


  1. If I contemplate internet dating again then I'm going to read this and think no, no, no!!

    It is mad that even working out what body type to classify yourself under is a problem. I've always felt that I'm curvy (I've boobs and a bum - I'm all woman!) but I heard that suggests fat?

    And I was most put out when my gay friend registered me on mysinglefriend and put that I was 'cuddly'!! Men!

    Good luck hon!

    Rapunzel x

  2. Cuddly? Curvy? Agh! It's a minefield it really is. Apparently if you say you're 'bubbly' people think that you're fat.


    That's why I've only filled in the easy bits so far.

    Well, the easier bits...!

  3. Here's what I put for my blurb:

    Don't message if you're not prepared to lie about how we met. You must also be willing to love my depressed and often jealous cat, Mildred. You're probably already convinced, but if not, here's some other pertinent information: I make a mean lasagne, and my tea is to a professional standard; I don't have any physical deformities unless you count small nipples; and I am willing to try anything once - except incest and morris dancing.

    *Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

  4. And how successful was that Fishy?

  5. Fishy's comment "prepared to lie about how they met" made me giggle.

    "Just how lame is this section? This is why internet dating makes me feel like a loser. Coffee and Conversation? Seriously?"

    Nothing wrong with Coffee and Conversation. But, you're right. That section is lame. Everyone falls into one of two categories with this section. Universal or sarcastic.

    I can't wait to hear about the dates you get from this!

  6. I hope it turns out for you like the TV commercial. I tried it, but didn't do it wholeheartedly. Too many internet horror stories running through my head to allow me to go all out with it.
    But you?
    Being all bubbly and cuddly?

    I'm sure it'll work out brillantly!

  7. Whatever you do, do not put 'curvy' or 'cuddly'. This is internet code for obese. Or at least that's what guys seem to interpret it as. Saying 'average' might be a bit dicey as well. Them's the breaks.

    Don't worry, you'll wow em with your profile. I know you will ;) You've got 100+ followers to help too!

  8. Kate, you are so not about average. About average is polite speak for "could lose a few pounds but i'm too scared to admit it to myself!"

  9. Hi Kate,

    Silent lurker coming out of the closet here!
    I just wanted to say best of luck with your internet dating. Like you and others have said, it works well for some people, not so much for others. All you can do is try it out, right?
    And just for the record, I would never think 'curvy' or 'bubbly' or similar as another way of saying 'overweight'. That's complete and utter bollocks if you ask me. Those internet dating 'rules' are way off.

    Anyway, good luck! x

  10. Good luck with the profile. I'm sure you'll come up with something witty and funny, like your blog writing.
    For some reason I've found a lot of women have profiles that say they:
    "live life to the fullest"
    "take advantage of all the city has to offer"
    "are just as comfortable in a jeans as a fancy cocktail dress"
    "love to travel"

    ha I am glad to know I'm not the only women who doesn't like smoking. You should get a guy with no problem.....and yea my legs are my one of my great features.

  12. I opted for sarcastic - pulled out the old standard of liking children grilled, but couldn't eat a whole one (we are talking nearly 10 years ago) and ended up marrying the guy who sent the most intriguing email. And who has kids.

    Que sera.

  13. When doing a search on an online dating service the first thing that grabs your attention is the photo. This is the single most important element to getting people to view that great profile you've written.