Sorry that I've been away for a while. Things have been manically busy on the course I'm doing and I've not had the time to scratch my bum let alone blog!
I left you all with a lovely mental image of a cheesy cock a couple of weeks ago... Well it's time to move on from all of that.
It's almost my 30th birthday.
The Big 3-0.
Wow, I’m going to be old. Well, older.
The fact that my birthday celebrations start now is going to sound completely ridiculous when I tell you that I don’t actually turn thirty for almost a month. It’s all my friend Louise’s fault though so I’m going to blame her. I’m not the one who decided to have a “Birthday Month”. Why have a “Birthday Week” when you can stretch it out to a month instead?
Well, it is a landmark birthday so why not?
The reason why my birthday starts now is because Louise, as my best friend, wants to do something special for me and this weekend was the only weekend I am free. Next weekend I’m heading down to London with my university friends, the weekend after that is my Official Birthday Night Out™ with all my friends, and then I am heading off to Vegas for five days which is where I’ll be on my actual birthday (but more about that later).
Therefore this Saturday Louise has something planned and it’s all a very big secret. She is getting so giddy about it she must have planned something good. Bless her, I can’t wait! It’s Louise’s thirtieth birthday in a few months time so she knows she has to be nice to me as otherwise I will get her back... in the nicest possible way, of course...
Now where was I? That's right, giving you the low down on my pathetic sexual past. If you liked Mr Nik-Nak Knob then cop a load of these bad boys. It's amazing that I've not given lesbianism a shot when I remember all these monumental f*ck ups. Well, apart from one of them.... :-) Ahh, c'est la vie...
In at number 5 we have....
5. Cottage Cheese Cock
I came face to er, face with Cottage Cheese Cock when I was still 20 and still single. It was during the summer holidays in between my second and third year at university. I worked at a pub in my hometown to earn a bit of money to see me through the year and that is how I knew Liam, aka CCC. Liam and I had worked behind the bar when I’d been back at home over Christmas, but at the start of the summer he’d left to get a “real” job. I’d always fancied him, but with my rubbish hair and unattractive uniform I figured the feeling wasn’t mutual. It turned out that it was.
One Saturday night he came into the pub with his mates and we ended chatting for ages while I pulled pints. He invited me back to his house after my shift, and as I already knew him I thought why not? In an effort to set the mood, Liam led me to his bedroom and lit one dingy little candle. Romantic. We kissed for a bit and inevitably our clothes started to come off. I removed his pants and was about to give him a blow job, when I saw what looked like lumps of cottage cheese. On his knob. Ughhh. I have never seen anything like that before or since, but I was not about to put my mouth around THAT. I made my excuses and left, laughing at his ultimatum that if I didn’t call him the day after I would never see him again. Thanks, but you can keep your cheesy dick. I didn’t call him.
6. The Hottest Sex of my Life
It was still summer and I was still working at the pub, and that’s where I met my next fling. For the first time in nearly a year my sex life took a turn for the better. His name was Stuart, he was a regular and he was loads older than me (relatively speaking. He was 28). He was gorgeous, with piercing blue eyes, a mop of shaggy brown hair and an athletic body. He drove a red Ducati motorbike (we're talking VERY sexy in leathers here people) and I fancied the arse off him. Never in a million years would I ever have the courage to ask him out and I never thought he would like me, but my workmate Duncan got so pissed off with me going on about him that one night he got chatting to Stuart and asked him if he liked me. The rest just happened.
Every Saturday night after my shift finished at about midnight, Stuart would be waiting for me. I’d drive us back to his house and we would have sex on his couch/chair/living room floor. He had the most perfect six-pack I had ever seen and he was amazing at oral sex. Definitely the best I have ever had in my life (true to this day). We carried on with our Saturday night romping rendezvous until I returned to university that September. Ahh, he was amazing. Perfect fling material. Absolutely perfect.
7. The Two-night stand
My sex life in my third year at university had an inauspicious start. I was still very much single and it was the beginning of December. I hadn’t had sex for a couple of months, and as a horny twenty year old I had an itch that needed to be scratched. (Not literally you understand. I was always careful). This is how I ended up having what I call my Two Night Stand.
I met Nick on a Friday night in the student union bar, we snogged and I gave him my phone number. He called me the day after and we went out the following week to a local pub for a few drinks. I was tipsy and horny so after our date we ended up going back to my place and having really, really bad selfish sex. Neither of us cared whether the other person was enjoying it or not and it was a really crap 'going through the motions' shag. It wasn't sexy in any way. To be honest, I don’t even think we really fancied each other that much on the date. I didn’t get his number and he didn’t call me again, hence the Two Night Stand.
8. The Virgin
It was only a couple of weeks after my depressing dalliance with Nick that I started seeing Adam who was on the same course as me. During the day he was painfully shy, but by night and with the help of beer he was chatty, outgoing and a great laugh. He was a bit of a challenge and was so nervous he could barely speak to me when we first started going out. Yep, he definitely was a challenge.
I also think Adam was a virgin. He rold me that he had only slept with one girl on a one night stand but I think this was a big fat lie. Either way, I like to think that I was the one who really popped his cherry. This meant I had a blank canvas and I could teach him exactly how I liked things to be done which was great, but it was such hard work at times. Sometimes I wished Adam had a few tricks up his sleeve like Stuart, but despite this we stayed together for the rest of our last year at university and for the whole year after that. In the end we had started to grow apart once and when it boiled down to it we were just too different. A few months ago I caught up with him on Friends Reunited and found out that he’s engaged now. I’m really happy for him as he was a nice guy. My parents hated him though.
9. Vlad the Impaler
After Adam, I had a dry spell that lasted for almost a year. I kissed a few men when I was out with my friends but nothing more exciting than that. The only reason why I got less action than the Jonas brothers is because I was completely smitten with Pete, my manager, and no-one else got a look in.
I was working at my first “real” job after university on an IT helpdesk. The job was pretty crap but everyone was about my age, including Pete who was a couple of years older than me. The social life was fantastic. I ended up getting together with Pete on a work’s night out and I spent the night with him in his bed, but nothing happened other than sleep and after that night nothing was ever said and the moment just seemed to pass. I didn't want to shag him on the first night as I wanted him to be my boyfriend and didn't want him to see me as a slapper. That plan worked remarkably well, as a month or so later he started dating another girl and my chance with him had completely gone. Tragically I was still head over heels in love with him so I remained single.
I was still looking for graduate jobs as I hadn’t been out of university for a year, when I found a role in IT that was offering three months all expenses paid to be trained up in Cape Town. The salary was a lot more than I was earning already so I applied for the role not expecting too much as competition was so fierce. After endless rounds of assessment centres and interviews, I somehow got the job and before I knew it I was waving goodbye to my parents at Heathrow airport and bound for South Africa.
The three months training was almost like being back at university – only better. I was one of thirty graduates who were sent over to Cape Town where we lived in a hotel. We were paid each week so we could afford to eat out every night and drink ourselves into oblivion as the exchange rate was so good. Relationships and sex were rife between the graduates, even though some people had boyfriends or girlfriends back home. I ended up getting together with a bloke called Calum after a month and a half. He was a totally bloke’s bloke - real jack the lad and it turned out that he had very little respect for women. Come to think of it now, he wasn’t even that good looking.
Calum did have a massive penis though, but sadly it didn’t make him any good in bed. Instead of ensuring that there was plenty of foreplay to get me turned on and ready, he would just try to lance me from across the other side of the room. I split up with him (before he succeeded in splitting me in half) after we had been back in the UK for a month as I’d decided that he was a bit of a twat. I’d also met Paul (who eventually turned into the Evil Cockbag) whilst I was working on a project over in Ireland. Even though Calum was a knob, I wanted to do the right thing by him, so I finished with him one Sunday night... and then got together Paul on the Wednesday. Close, but no overlap.
10. The Heartbreaker
Paul, the only man to ever break my heart and more familiar to you as The Evil Cockbag. We were together for nearly four years and he is the one man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Sadly, he decided to pork a slapper from work which shat all over that happily ever after.
11. The Latest
Matt. My most recent ex. Together for just over two years, even though it felt like several lifetimes.
And yet I still keep on believing that the right man is somewhere out there for me.
But why have I started playing around with boys when I should be looking for a man...?
Oh my goodness I have been so rubbish at updating my blog recently. So much has been happening that I've hardly had any time to write about it - but it's all coming, very soon!
But here's a quick update: I binned Stephen off. He of the drunken snog in the club. After ten minutes of swapping spit and 100 stalky texts from him later, our one-sided liaison was over.
It reminded me of a very valuable lesson: I should not give my number out to wonky-toothed weirdos with a penchant for collecting restraining orders.
Anyway... What is it they say about learning from your mistakes? I'm sure we're all supposed to learn valuable life lessons during the twists and turns of our complicated lives. Especially when it comes to love and sex.
Except I'm not exactly sure that I've learnt that much. All these years on, I'm still making the same lapses in judgement and ending up dishing out my number to undesirables.
But why? Why haven't I learnt anything?
It's time to delve into my romantic past to try and find some answers. Oh yes. Buckle up and prepare yourself for the most embarassing rides of my life. Part 1.
1. Ginger Buns
I was 18, still a virgin and I wanted to get some sexual experience before I went away to university. I worked weekends at a supermarket in the fruit and veg department and had been lusting over David from the bakery for months. In hindsight I have no idea why, as he was pale, ginger and a bit of a chubster. Maybe handling all those bananas had warped my judgement, but he had something about him: a swagger and a certain look. He loved himself, and that confidence was attractive to the young, inexperienced me.
After several halves of cider one Saturday night out I ended up back at his place. His parents were away on holiday, and we got naked and fumbled round for a bit. I didn’t have a clue what to do or how to give a blow job, so I just licked his cock like an orange ice-lolly and he half-heartedly fingered me. All the time I tried my best to ignore his ridiculous ginger pubes.
The next morning he gave me a tenner for the taxi home and I left feeling like a really shit excuse for a prostitute. Not a great sexual awakening.
2. No shit, Sherlock
My first real boyfriend was Alistair at university. We got together after the first two weeks of term, in those heady, alcohol fuelled days of zero responsibility. I lost my virginity to him after about a month, and from what I remember the sex was pretty good. He’s one of the few men I’ve slept with who knew where my clitoris was - but it wasn't all plain sailing. Alistair had a weird condition. Well, OK, he had a plastic stomach and arsehole. One time after we had just finished having sex, his man-made man-hole got a little bit too excited and he shat in the bed right next to me. I suppose you can’t have it all. We were together for ten months, tissues on standby.
Now aged 19, my second year at university wasn’t the best year of my romantic life.
It started off with an ill-advised hook up at a house party held by me and my housemates. I ended up snogging a bloke called Mike who lived with my housemate Suzanne’s boyfriend. We ended up seeing each other for a couple of months, and I liked him because he had a clapped out Volkswagen Polo and drove me to the supermarket. He was a nice enough guy but we never really clicked. Mike was terminally boring and I couldn’t understand a lot of what he said due to his ridiculous southern accent. He wasn’t exactly a leader in the style stakes either. His hairstyle was worse than my pre-GHD frizzy mess and he insisted on sporting a centre parting and some really dodgy ‘curtains’. The sex was mediocre and he had a small penis.
4 Nik-Nak Knob
Now at the age of 20 and still in my second year of university, I was single for what turned out to be about six months. Six long, sexually frustrated months. One weekend I went to Liverpool to visit my best friend Nicola as she was studying at university there.
After a brilliant night out with Nicola and her friends I fell into bed with her housemate Luke. I was horrified by the sight of his dick as it was all knobbly and bent out of shape like a crusty scampi-flavoured Nik-Nak crisp. He tried to have unprotected sex with me, I said no, and then shat myself for a couple of weeks thinking that I was pregnant as his penis had brushed past my pubic hair. I was still pretty clueless at this point.
So far, so crud. Is it any wonder I am so f*cked up when it comes to men?
So there I was, out in town with my work mate Dan and his two friends, Gav and Liam. The boys were all having a lovely time as women were circling them like vultures, all hoping to find a juicy bone to gobble. I, however, was doing my best impression of a spare wheel. It was time for me to have some fun of my own...
To give him his dues, Dan spotted that I was being pushed to one side by the adoring ladies, and he came over to chat with me, leaving Gav and Liam to lap up the other female attention.
It’s weird going out with just a group of boys when they are on the pull. (Well, they were with the exception of Dan). Even though I'd seen a few blokes that I fancied in the bar, I didn’t have the backup of my girlfriends to help me get chatting to them and their mates. You see, we generally hunt in packs.
I tried to explain this to Dan, but he just didn’t seem to get it.
“You see that guy over there?” I said to Dan over the noise of the music which was blasting from the speakers.
“Yeah, what about him?” Dan replied.
“Well, I think he’s really fit, but I’m never going to just go over there on my own and try and talk to him. If I was with my girl friends it would be OK, as we could go and dance next to him and his mates, and I could try and catch his eye… But with you lot… Well, you’re all busy with your cheerleaders over there,” I said nodding towards Gav, Liam and the four girls who they were chatting up.
“Course you can go over there if you want,” Dan replied, not getting it at all. “Although he looks like a bit of a cock to me,"he continued.
Undeterred at his last comment, I persisted.
“Oh come on Dan, please help me out! He’s really fit!”
And he was. Tall, dark, broad shoulders, and a tapered waist. And he hadn't been hit with the ugly stick either.
“You’ve got to be joking!” Dan replied, blatantly not joking. “What do you want me to do? Go over there and chat him up for you?”
“Well, er, yes.” I replied. “Well, not chat him up exactly. Just make out like you think you know him or something and then you can introduce me.”
Despite his protestations I think Dan realised that he wasn't going to hear the last of it until he helped me out.
“OK then,” he sighed. “I’ll do it, but I still think he looks like a knob.”
Dan sidled on to the dance floor with me and ended up chatting to the object of my affections, asking him if he went to the game and if he played rugby. It was brilliant - like having a proper wingman, although I didn't tell Dan he looked a bit gay as he chatted up a random bloke.
After about a minute, Dan stepped aside as it was obvious that the guy I was lusting after had finally spotted me. I batted my eyelashes at him. Subtle.
“This is Greg,” Dan shouted above the music. “He went to the game tonight too.”
Greg. Gorgeous Greg.
“Oh right,” I said, smiling my best smile. “So what did you think? Close match...” I said, whilst checking out his gorgeous, muscular arms.
As I started chatting with him, Dan made his excuses and headed back over to Gav, Liam and their harem.
I ended up talking with Greg for a while, but it was blatantly obvious that Dan was right: he was a bit of a cock and he was also definitely not interested in me. I made my excuses too and walked back over to the bar, feeling slightly miffed.
“So, any luck?” Dan asked as he swigged his beer.
"Nah. You were right. He is a cock.” I replied.
I wasn't going to say that it was obvious he didn’t fancy me at all. That’s just too embarrassing in front of one of my work mates.
“Oh well never mind,” Dan said without sounding upset for me at all. “You don’t know if you don’t try”.
Dan wandered back over to Gav and Liam, and as my drink was dead I went to the bar to get another.
An afternoon and evening of drinking had made me nicely drunk. But it had also made me pretty damn horny. That's just not fair when you're a single girl stuck on a boy's night. Damn you alcohol. Damn you.
Yes, alcohol was my only defence as to why, only minutes later, I found myself locking tonsils with Stephen. That, and the fact that Greg blowing me off had made me determined to kiss someone to prove that I could. I'm a bit weird like that.
Stephen started chatting to me at the bar and he seemed pretty nice. OK, so he wasn't a stunner like Gorgeous Greg, and I seem to remember that his front teeth were a little wonky. But he was a good kisser, and that is exactly what I wanted: to be kissed, maybe with a cheeky arse grab thrown in there for good measure.
The only problem: a kiss was the only thing I wanted. A good snog and goodbye.
Sadly, Stephen had other ideas.
"So, can I get your number then?" he asked, after I told I needed to find my friends before they left.
Just say no, Kate. Or give him a fake number. Or...
"Yeah, course," I replied, never having learnt to say no properly. He handed me his phone and I tapped in my number.
"Great! I'll call you tomorrow!" Stephen said, smiling.
Please don't. I only wanted a snog and a quick feel up.
I wriggled my way free from wonky-toothed Stephen's grasp, and wandered back over to Dan who was standing on his own.
It was getting pretty late and we all had work the next day. I glanced over at the other boys and saw that Liam was snogging some bird at the edge of the dance floor and Gav was chatting to some girls and getting a phone number.
“I’m going to head off now,” I said to Dan as he finished his beer.
I saw Stephen looking at me as he talked to his mate from the other side of the bar. Just go away.
“Yeah I’m ready to go too,” Dan replied.
It looked like Liam and Gav would need to be prized away from the limpet like women who were stuck to at least one part of their anatomy or another.
“I think it’s best if we leave those two to it,” I said.
“Yeah definitely,” Dan replied. “Come on," he continued, "I’ll make sure you get a taxi OK."
Bless him, he’s a gent.
Thankfully there were plenty of cabs lined up outside. As I climbed into the back seat, Dan held the door open and smiled at me.
“Thanks for coming today. It’s been really good,” he said, as he leant in through the open door.
“Yeah I’ve really enjoyed myself,” I replied. “It’s good to go out and have a few beers with you and your mates. Gav and Liam are really funny, especially with all those girls surrounding them. I’m not exactly sure how that ended up happening though!”
Dan laughed as he knew exactly what I meant. Whilst Gav and Liam are both a great laugh, neither of them exactly have the gift of the gab with the ladies. Well, until tonight.
“I’ll see you at work tomorrow then,” Dan said, and with that he shut the car door and waved to me as the taxi pulled away.
I had a really good night but it left me with plenty to think about.
I don’t want to be like those women who were desperately trying to pull Gav, Liam and Dan. The way they just started circling the boys all seemed pretty tragic. But I knew I wasn't a million miles away from being like them, thanks to the way I flirted with Greg and then snogged Stephen.
Do I look like those women when I’ve had a few drinks and I’m trying to get a bloke’s attention? I hope not. The thought of it made me inwardly cringe.
I stared out of the window as the taxi weaved its way through the city centre streets. As I watched weekend revellers pour out onto the pavements I couldn’t help but feel a bit down. It's nearly half way through the year and I'm still nowhere nearer in my quest to find Mr Right.
At that moment my phone vibrated with an incoming text message.
Newly single and rapidly approaching my thirtieth birthday, I’ve realised that I need a new game plan in order to find the drop dead gorgeous, rugby-playing boyfriend that I’ve been lusting after for years. Or at the very least: a man just like him...