Music: Highway to the Dangerzone - Kenny Loggins
So there I was, out in town with my work mate Dan and his two friends, Gav and Liam. The boys were all having a lovely time as women were circling them like vultures, all hoping to find a juicy bone to gobble. I, however, was doing my best impression of a spare wheel. It was time for me to have some fun of my own...
To give him his dues, Dan spotted that I was being pushed to one side by the adoring ladies, and he came over to chat with me, leaving Gav and Liam to lap up the other female attention.
It’s weird going out with just a group of boys when they are on the pull. (Well, they were with the exception of Dan). Even though I'd seen a few blokes that I fancied in the bar, I didn’t have the backup of my girlfriends to help me get chatting to them and their mates. You see, we generally hunt in packs.
I tried to explain this to Dan, but he just didn’t seem to get it.
“You see that guy over there?” I said to Dan over the noise of the music which was blasting from the speakers.
“Yeah, what about him?” Dan replied.
“Well, I think he’s really fit, but I’m never going to just go over there on my own and try and talk to him. If I was with my girl friends it would be OK, as we could go and dance next to him and his mates, and I could try and catch his eye… But with you lot… Well, you’re all busy with your cheerleaders over there,” I said nodding towards Gav, Liam and the four girls who they were chatting up.
“Course you can go over there if you want,” Dan replied, not getting it at all. “Although he looks like a bit of a cock to me,"he continued.
Undeterred at his last comment, I persisted.
“Oh come on Dan, please help me out! He’s really fit!”
And he was. Tall, dark, broad shoulders, and a tapered waist. And he hadn't been hit with the ugly stick either.
“You’ve got to be joking!” Dan replied, blatantly not joking. “What do you want me to do? Go over there and chat him up for you?”
“Well, er, yes.” I replied. “Well, not chat him up exactly. Just make out like you think you know him or something and then you can introduce me.”
Despite his protestations I think Dan realised that he wasn't going to hear the last of it until he helped me out.
“OK then,” he sighed. “I’ll do it, but I still think he looks like a knob.”
Dan sidled on to the dance floor with me and ended up chatting to the object of my affections, asking him if he went to the game and if he played rugby. It was brilliant - like having a proper wingman, although I didn't tell Dan he looked a bit gay as he chatted up a random bloke.
After about a minute, Dan stepped aside as it was obvious that the guy I was lusting after had finally spotted me. I batted my eyelashes at him. Subtle.
“This is Greg,” Dan shouted above the music. “He went to the game tonight too.”
Greg. Gorgeous Greg.
“Oh right,” I said, smiling my best smile. “So what did you think? Close match...” I said, whilst checking out his gorgeous, muscular arms.
As I started chatting with him, Dan made his excuses and headed back over to Gav, Liam and their harem.
I ended up talking with Greg for a while, but it was blatantly obvious that Dan was right: he was a bit of a cock and he was also definitely not interested in me. I made my excuses too and walked back over to the bar, feeling slightly miffed.
“So, any luck?” Dan asked as he swigged his beer.
"Nah. You were right. He is a cock.” I replied.
I wasn't going to say that it was obvious he didn’t fancy me at all. That’s just too embarrassing in front of one of my work mates.
“Oh well never mind,” Dan said without sounding upset for me at all. “You don’t know if you don’t try”.
Dan wandered back over to Gav and Liam, and as my drink was dead I went to the bar to get another.
An afternoon and evening of drinking had made me nicely drunk. But it had also made me pretty damn horny. That's just not fair when you're a single girl stuck on a boy's night. Damn you alcohol. Damn you.
Yes, alcohol was my only defence as to why, only minutes later, I found myself locking tonsils with Stephen. That, and the fact that Greg blowing me off had made me determined to kiss someone to prove that I could. I'm a bit weird like that.
Stephen started chatting to me at the bar and he seemed pretty nice. OK, so he wasn't a stunner like Gorgeous Greg, and I seem to remember that his front teeth were a little wonky. But he was a good kisser, and that is exactly what I wanted: to be kissed, maybe with a cheeky arse grab thrown in there for good measure.
The only problem: a kiss was the only thing I wanted. A good snog and goodbye.
Sadly, Stephen had other ideas.
"So, can I get your number then?" he asked, after I told I needed to find my friends before they left.
Just say no, Kate. Or give him a fake number. Or...
"Yeah, course," I replied, never having learnt to say no properly. He handed me his phone and I tapped in my number.
"Great! I'll call you tomorrow!" Stephen said, smiling.
Please don't. I only wanted a snog and a quick feel up.
I wriggled my way free from wonky-toothed Stephen's grasp, and wandered back over to Dan who was standing on his own.
It was getting pretty late and we all had work the next day. I glanced over at the other boys and saw that Liam was snogging some bird at the edge of the dance floor and Gav was chatting to some girls and getting a phone number.
“I’m going to head off now,” I said to Dan as he finished his beer.
I saw Stephen looking at me as he talked to his mate from the other side of the bar. Just go away.
“Yeah I’m ready to go too,” Dan replied.
It looked like Liam and Gav would need to be prized away from the limpet like women who were stuck to at least one part of their anatomy or another.
“I think it’s best if we leave those two to it,” I said.
“Yeah definitely,” Dan replied. “Come on," he continued, "I’ll make sure you get a taxi OK."
Bless him, he’s a gent.
Thankfully there were plenty of cabs lined up outside. As I climbed into the back seat, Dan held the door open and smiled at me.
“Thanks for coming today. It’s been really good,” he said, as he leant in through the open door.
“Yeah I’ve really enjoyed myself,” I replied. “It’s good to go out and have a few beers with you and your mates. Gav and Liam are really funny, especially with all those girls surrounding them. I’m not exactly sure how that ended up happening though!”
Dan laughed as he knew exactly what I meant. Whilst Gav and Liam are both a great laugh, neither of them exactly have the gift of the gab with the ladies. Well, until tonight.
“I’ll see you at work tomorrow then,” Dan said, and with that he shut the car door and waved to me as the taxi pulled away.
I had a really good night but it left me with plenty to think about.
I don’t want to be like those women who were desperately trying to pull Gav, Liam and Dan. The way they just started circling the boys all seemed pretty tragic. But I knew I wasn't a million miles away from being like them, thanks to the way I flirted with Greg and then snogged Stephen.
Do I look like those women when I’ve had a few drinks and I’m trying to get a bloke’s attention? I hope not. The thought of it made me inwardly cringe.
I stared out of the window as the taxi weaved its way through the city centre streets. As I watched weekend revellers pour out onto the pavements I couldn’t help but feel a bit down. It's nearly half way through the year and I'm still nowhere nearer in my quest to find Mr Right.
At that moment my phone vibrated with an incoming text message.
It was Stephen. Oh for f*ck's sake...