Music: A Certain Romance - Arctic Monkeys
Now where was I? That's right, giving you the low down on my pathetic sexual past. If you liked Mr Nik-Nak Knob then cop a load of these bad boys. It's amazing that I've not given lesbianism a shot when I remember all these monumental f*ck ups. Well, apart from one of them.... :-) Ahh, c'est la vie...
In at number 5 we have....
5. Cottage Cheese Cock
I came face to er, face with Cottage Cheese Cock when I was still 20 and still single. It was during the summer holidays in between my second and third year at university. I worked at a pub in my hometown to earn a bit of money to see me through the year and that is how I knew Liam, aka CCC. Liam and I had worked behind the bar when I’d been back at home over Christmas, but at the start of the summer he’d left to get a “real” job. I’d always fancied him, but with my rubbish hair and unattractive uniform I figured the feeling wasn’t mutual. It turned out that it was.
One Saturday night he came into the pub with his mates and we ended chatting for ages while I pulled pints. He invited me back to his house after my shift, and as I already knew him I thought why not? In an effort to set the mood, Liam led me to his bedroom and lit one dingy little candle. Romantic. We kissed for a bit and inevitably our clothes started to come off. I removed his pants and was about to give him a blow job, when I saw what looked like lumps of cottage cheese. On his knob. Ughhh. I have never seen anything like that before or since, but I was not about to put my mouth around THAT. I made my excuses and left, laughing at his ultimatum that if I didn’t call him the day after I would never see him again. Thanks, but you can keep your cheesy dick. I didn’t call him.
6. The Hottest Sex of my Life
It was still summer and I was still working at the pub, and that’s where I met my next fling. For the first time in nearly a year my sex life took a turn for the better. His name was Stuart, he was a regular and he was loads older than me (relatively speaking. He was 28). He was gorgeous, with piercing blue eyes, a mop of shaggy brown hair and an athletic body. He drove a red Ducati motorbike (we're talking VERY sexy in leathers here people) and I fancied the arse off him. Never in a million years would I ever have the courage to ask him out and I never thought he would like me, but my workmate Duncan got so pissed off with me going on about him that one night he got chatting to Stuart and asked him if he liked me. The rest just happened.
Every Saturday night after my shift finished at about midnight, Stuart would be waiting for me. I’d drive us back to his house and we would have sex on his couch/chair/living room floor. He had the most perfect six-pack I had ever seen and he was amazing at oral sex. Definitely the best I have ever had in my life (true to this day). We carried on with our Saturday night romping rendezvous until I returned to university that September. Ahh, he was amazing. Perfect fling material. Absolutely perfect.
7. The Two-night stand
My sex life in my third year at university had an inauspicious start. I was still very much single and it was the beginning of December. I hadn’t had sex for a couple of months, and as a horny twenty year old I had an itch that needed to be scratched. (Not literally you understand. I was always careful). This is how I ended up having what I call my Two Night Stand.
I met Nick on a Friday night in the student union bar, we snogged and I gave him my phone number. He called me the day after and we went out the following week to a local pub for a few drinks. I was tipsy and horny so after our date we ended up going back to my place and having really, really bad selfish sex. Neither of us cared whether the other person was enjoying it or not and it was a really crap 'going through the motions' shag. It wasn't sexy in any way. To be honest, I don’t even think we really fancied each other that much on the date. I didn’t get his number and he didn’t call me again, hence the Two Night Stand.
8. The Virgin
It was only a couple of weeks after my depressing dalliance with Nick that I started seeing Adam who was on the same course as me. During the day he was painfully shy, but by night and with the help of beer he was chatty, outgoing and a great laugh. He was a bit of a challenge and was so nervous he could barely speak to me when we first started going out. Yep, he definitely was a challenge.
I also think Adam was a virgin. He rold me that he had only slept with one girl on a one night stand but I think this was a big fat lie. Either way, I like to think that I was the one who really popped his cherry. This meant I had a blank canvas and I could teach him exactly how I liked things to be done which was great, but it was such hard work at times. Sometimes I wished Adam had a few tricks up his sleeve like Stuart, but despite this we stayed together for the rest of our last year at university and for the whole year after that. In the end we had started to grow apart once and when it boiled down to it we were just too different. A few months ago I caught up with him on Friends Reunited and found out that he’s engaged now. I’m really happy for him as he was a nice guy. My parents hated him though.
9. Vlad the Impaler
After Adam, I had a dry spell that lasted for almost a year. I kissed a few men when I was out with my friends but nothing more exciting than that. The only reason why I got less action than the Jonas brothers is because I was completely smitten with Pete, my manager, and no-one else got a look in.
I was working at my first “real” job after university on an IT helpdesk. The job was pretty crap but everyone was about my age, including Pete who was a couple of years older than me. The social life was fantastic. I ended up getting together with Pete on a work’s night out and I spent the night with him in his bed, but nothing happened other than sleep and after that night nothing was ever said and the moment just seemed to pass. I didn't want to shag him on the first night as I wanted him to be my boyfriend and didn't want him to see me as a slapper. That plan worked remarkably well, as a month or so later he started dating another girl and my chance with him had completely gone. Tragically I was still head over heels in love with him so I remained single.
I was still looking for graduate jobs as I hadn’t been out of university for a year, when I found a role in IT that was offering three months all expenses paid to be trained up in Cape Town. The salary was a lot more than I was earning already so I applied for the role not expecting too much as competition was so fierce. After endless rounds of assessment centres and interviews, I somehow got the job and before I knew it I was waving goodbye to my parents at Heathrow airport and bound for South Africa.
The three months training was almost like being back at university – only better. I was one of thirty graduates who were sent over to Cape Town where we lived in a hotel. We were paid each week so we could afford to eat out every night and drink ourselves into oblivion as the exchange rate was so good. Relationships and sex were rife between the graduates, even though some people had boyfriends or girlfriends back home. I ended up getting together with a bloke called Calum after a month and a half. He was a totally bloke’s bloke - real jack the lad and it turned out that he had very little respect for women. Come to think of it now, he wasn’t even that good looking.
Calum did have a massive penis though, but sadly it didn’t make him any good in bed. Instead of ensuring that there was plenty of foreplay to get me turned on and ready, he would just try to lance me from across the other side of the room. I split up with him (before he succeeded in splitting me in half) after we had been back in the UK for a month as I’d decided that he was a bit of a twat. I’d also met Paul (who eventually turned into the Evil Cockbag) whilst I was working on a project over in Ireland. Even though Calum was a knob, I wanted to do the right thing by him, so I finished with him one Sunday night... and then got together Paul on the Wednesday. Close, but no overlap.
10. The Heartbreaker
Paul, the only man to ever break my heart and more familiar to you as The Evil Cockbag. We were together for nearly four years and he is the one man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Sadly, he decided to pork a slapper from work which shat all over that happily ever after.
11. The Latest
Matt. My most recent ex. Together for just over two years, even though it felt like several lifetimes.
And yet I still keep on believing that the right man is somewhere out there for me.
But why have I started playing around with boys when I should be looking for a man...?