Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Headline Act

Help!  I need your help!

Why did no-one tell me that setting up an internet dating profile is such a minefield?

I’m really struggling for inspiration for my profile headline.  This is a one liner that will be displayed under my username and next to my picture.  What the hell should I put that doesn't make me sound like a borderline mental patient?

According to the tips on the site apparently this is a good way to entice people to look at your full profile. Either that, or it’s an easy way to make yourself look like a total freak.

I’ve decided to check out my competition. Here is a selection from some of my fellow female online daters, along with what I think of them:

Girl seeks knight in shining armour to whisk her off her feet!

- Classic, traditional and a bit boring. Also, I bet this poor girl will be inundated with messages from knights in tarnished armour all offering to prod her with their rusty lances. Romantic.

Georgeous wee lass

- ...who cannot spell.

Where are you?

- Let’s be having you! Is it just me or does this sound like a desperate plea? I’ll tell you where all the men are: they’re dying a slow and painful death in IKEA whilst harbouring a not so secret desire to be down the pub watching the football with their mates.


- Zzzzzzzzz. Not a very promising start. The name of the game is to try and grab someone’s attention and encourage them to read on. This is dull, dull, DULL!

Fun loving, tall, slim brunette

- Not bad. This is nice and descriptive but not very intriguing. I can see how this will appeal to all the men out there, but they’ll probably just use her profile photo for a cheeky five knuckle shuffle whilst waiting for the five minute freeview on Playboy TV.

Wanted: Testosterone

- She might as well have just written 'Wanted: Cock'.  I guess she must be happy for geeky blokes called Colin to send her pictures of their knobbly penises.  (Or is the plural penii?  I never did know...)

Can you keep up?

- How? Sexually? With a football?

Blonde and buxom

- The picture of the lady whose profile this belonged to suggested peroxide and a few too many extra pounds. Mental note to self: I must be aware of false advertising.

Looking for an adventure?

- I don’t think this too bad an opener and I reckon this could be good conversation starter. I like how it is phrased as a question and I can see how this would appeal to a bloke. That is, unless the lady in question’s idea of an adventure is a battle through the scrum of rabid shoppers in Primark on a Saturday afternoon.

New to the market

- Are you a used car that’s been around the block a few times? Yes, and that’s why you’ve found yourself floundering around the internet equivalent of a backstreet scrap yard. Not a good analogy.


- OR ELSE!!!!!!

From looking at other profiles on the site it seems that I’m not the only one who is struggling with what should be a simple opening one liner.

I am thoroughly depressed.

Any ideas? 



  1. Well I went with the first line of a very bad joke...

    "Why do elephants have big ears?"

    I figured it may just intrigue them enough to keep reading and it was certainly different to all the other headings out there in Match land.

    Oh and in case you're wondering

    Why do elephants have big ears?
    Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

    Hey, it makes me laugh!


  2. Fishy you grammar nazi. I agree with your though.

  3. I have a good one:

    "I have a dating blog, which you will ultimately end up in, but I'll never give you the link to"

    The part where you wrote: She might as well have just written 'Wanted: Cock' made me giggle.


  4. Love your synopsis of each one, I agree with Snafugirl that the 'Wanted: Cock' was the best one!!

    I also like Tuppence's suggestion of a joke but you need a joke that they will have to ask the answer to.

    Something like -

    What do you call a Spanish sheep with no back legs?


  5. Well, I know how creative you are based on this here blog! But I'll see if I can dash something up....

    "Need only apply if play rugby. Or have thighs that looks good in the shorts."

    "Prove to me this internet dating this isn't fully of wanky mingers."

    "I have no idea what to put here either."

    ....dang, this is hard!

  6. The only problem with the rugby requirement is that you might get a lot of props answering. Although, "Need only apply if you are a back/back-row" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

    You could also get Neil Back. Mightn't be the worst thing in the world. You would probably get Leeds tickets

  7. I used the first bit of an extra cheesy pick up line...

    "How much does a polar bear weigh?"

    Answer: Enough to break the ice...

    (it worked)

  8. Oh that is my favourite chat up line ever! - the polar bear one.
    I went with 'worth a click? I think so!'

    It sounds quite big headed actually - oh well maybe that's why match didn't work for me.....

  9. Some brilliant suggestions so far! Keep 'em coming!

    LifeBegins - I really think you're onto something with the shorts angle. I like that.

    Snafu - I think the blog line would put blokes off, don't you?! That would definitely put me off!

    Margg - 60% of the time I'm honest every time...

    Whyshedidn'tfancyme - Jokes. Hmm, good idea, but I'm rubbish at jokes. I only know really shit ones....

    Conor - Who said I don't like prop forwards?! Well, if truth be told, I don't really BUT fellow front row Dylan Hartley? Now you're talking! (I've blogged about him before. He is my crush du jour!).
    And as for Neil Back - he's very much married, but he would be useful to know in order to meet some of Leeds' other players.... (Oh and I've got a season ticket for them already, so I'm not too bothered about free tickets!)

    Anonymous - Ha I like it! So please explain how that line worked it's magic for you! ;-)

  10. Haha George that is classic!

  11. Hi, I used "Do you judge a book by its cover?"
    Oddly enough no one ever asked me if I looked the the south end of a north facing cow, but my profile did let me meet the guy I have now been with for over 6 years.

  12. Yes, I was being sarcastic :)
    I think 30ty is on to something with the Rugby angle!

  13. Does anyone even read that section?! This is news to me!

    I'm all about the words but when it comes to online dating I'm all about the pictures! I just click on through to the other blurb and don't even notice what they've put at that bit (which is often just as well!)

    Rapunzel x

  14. You might as well type gibberish, Kate.

    Guys only look at the photos.

    In fact, just cut and paste something from that day's newspaper. That'll fill in the profile, and prevent the kind of angst you're feeling.

    Plus when some clown asks you how you are after the motorway pile-up, you will be able to blog about it.

  15. since you're female I'm sure it won't matter that much what you put. Although avoiding clichés is probably best if you want to seem vaguely intelligent.