Monday, 18 January 2010

Mr. Sugar Allergy: The Sickly End

Music: Spin Spin Sugar - Sneaker Pimps

The date from hell continues...

With Mr Sugar Allergy's lecture on the absorption of sugar in the small intestine drawing to a close, I drank from my bottle of beer whilst he sipped on his pint of tap water in an awkward silence.  As the bar we were in was a diet coke free zone (other sugar free drinks are available, just not here) we decided to move on and go to one of my favourite bars, The Reform.

Bar 2

The Reform is a small bar with big leather armchairs and sofas, that specializes in selling continental beers of all descriptions, my favourite being cherry beer so this is what I order. Happily for Sugar Boy they also sell vodka and diet coke. It’s pretty quiet, and we get a seat on one of the sofas near to the back of the bar.

Things are getting better and conversation is picking up as we start to talk of our mutual love of music and rugby. I realise that I’m actually starting to have an OK time. I wouldn’t say that I felt a spark or much chemistry between us like I did on the night we met, but I put that down to the vat of alcohol which I’d consumed. Still, Mr. Sugar Allergy, or Stephen to use his real name, is quite good looking.  Not drop dead handsome but not ugly either. Plain I suppose. He’s about 6ft, has a shaved head (I think because his hair is starting to give up the ghost) and has a nice, open face. He smiles a lot, but I think that’s partly down to nerves. I admit that before we met I was nervous too, but as the conversation starts to flow on topics wholly unrelated to the colon and sugar absorption I start to relax, and dare I say it, enjoy myself.

We’ve been in the bar for just over half an hour, and have been laughing at each other’s taste in music, when I start to ask Stephen a bit more about his job and what he actually does. I am literally half way through a sentence when out of no-where and completely unprompted, Stephen lunges across the sofa, sticks his tongue down my throat and attempts to suck the enamel off my teeth. I’m in total shock, and I make no effort to kiss him back. In fact, I think my hands are raised and I’m just about to push him off me when he stops. The look on my face must have said it all (WTF?) as the smile on his face quickly drops and is replaced by the look of a two year old child who’s just been caught taking a dump in the paddling pool.

The date is now officially a total loss.

Our conversation dries up completely and I down my cherry beer so quickly a bit of sick comes up into my mouth, which I almost cough all over him. I make my excuses about catching the last bus home and I’m out of there, speed walking like an Olympic athlete rounding the final bend to claim the gold, except in my case all I’ve gained is a sore tongue and a massive dose of humiliation. I hope no-one I know saw that full frontal assault.

He emails me a couple of times the next day. I ignore him completely and never hear from him again.

Points to note:

• Alcohol is never to be trusted. EVER. I’ve often wondered since that date whether Stephen actually talked about his fascinating sugar allergy on the night we met, or if he lunged his tongue into my mouth from about 40 yards. Maybe he did and he thought that I liked it. Winning formula.

• Dates like this really make me appreciate the good ones, and even the mediocre ones.

• Some dates are a total loss and don’t deserve a second chance.


  1. Absolutely hilarious!!

    I love the way you write.

    'suck the enamel off my teeth' was a particular phrase!

    He must have really liked you cause he was actually taking a big risk if you think about it. All that sugar he could have got from licking his way round your mouth could have caused a tragedy!

    Rapunzel x

  2. What was he thinking??

  3. Wow. That date was madness. I feel your pain.

    Poor dude. Perhaps he'd have better luck with diabetic women?

  4. Great post. Wow, I feel bad for you and for this guy :(

    PS That pool pic makes me miss summer.

    Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

  5. hahha!!! all too familiar.. well, with roles reversed at least :)

    be good...

  6. But you could have totally had sugar-allergic abnormally large-tongued children! What were you thinking? ;p

  7. A spoon full of the sugar helps the medicine go down..or not in this case..

  8. I blame all bad dates on alcohol. It makes me feel a lot better about my terrible decisions.

  9. your posts make me giggle! thanks for the recap! hopefully the sugar from ur beer and him sticking his tongue down your throat gave him a little intestinal issue...serves him right! ha ha

  10. haha! this was hilarious. and i loved the way you described it. so do you think that if he didn't lunge at you and attempted to suck the enamel off your teeth, you would have given him a second date?

  11. How brutal! I can't think of a time when someone kissed me that I was so surprised by. That would be terribly awkward, as if dates aren't that bad to begin with.

  12. Haha that's hilarious! And gross, which makes it even more hilarious!

    Now I want to try this cherry beer business you speak of...

  13. Thanks for your comments everyone.

    Rapunzel and Laura - I don't know what I'd have done if he's collapsed and started twitching after his tongue assaulted my mouth. It's in situations like this that I wonder if the kiss of life actually would have been the kiss of death!

    Samantha - Maybe he thought he was being dynamic and spontaneous. That's the only thing I can think of...

    Skye Blue - Damn I wish I'd suggested to him that he try his luck on Diabetic Now there could be a dating niche there waiting to be carved out!

    Life Begins - Aw I really feel like I've missed out on his extraordinary gene pool now... ;-)

    Jo - I wouldn't have gone out with him on a second date if he hadn't 'lunged' at me with his tongue as I didn't really feel any spark.

    Ice Queen - Alcohol really has a LOT to answer for.

    Cuddleslut - Awkward was definitely the word. And horrified.

    Petro - You've experienced this too? Man I feel your pain.

    Ally and Notes on Hulme - Thanks for your comments. Extra sugar on everything for me from now on, just in case!

    Kate x

    Princess T - Cherry beer is lovely. Check this out:

  14. How do people not know how to kiss? I mean, if you've never done it, or only, say, under 5 times, then you are excused. The rest of us? It's a rare day that someone wants a tongue-shoving experience on a first or second date. Aren't these guys paying attention? START SLOW. Ah, what's the use. Guys never read our girly blogs anyway. Maybe they should, might learn a thing or two.

  15. The phenomenon of guys not knowing how or when to kiss blows my mind! How is it so difficult for some of them. Good call on ignoring this one.

  16. Oh gosh, I'm loving this! The way that you write is so good, but the stories.... I never knew this stuff actually happened to anyone!