Music: Like A Virgin - Madonna
Before I embark on a whole new world of dating, I suppose I’ve got to look at my previous dating disasters and see where I’ve gone wrong in the past to try and prevent the same horrible, cringe worthy dating mistakes from happening again. History can have a nasty way of repeating itself, so before I dash out into the great unknown in search of the man for me, I'm going to dish the dirt on my all time worst dating disasters to try and banish all my dating demons once and for all. I’m getting embarrassed just thinking about them, so strap yourselves in as this might get uncomfortable.
I'll start off with one that isn't too bad...
Mr Sexy 20yr Old
I was 26 at the time and had just split up with my long term boyfriend Paul. Paul and I had been living together in Leeds for just over a year and we were three and a half years into our relationship when he confided in me that he’d porked some fat slapper from work whilst I was away visiting my university friends. Nice. Cue a bit of a shitty time all round with a lot of umming and ahhing from him about how he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore (again, nice) and me being really upset for a few weeks.
Fortunately Paul moved out, meaning that I had time and space to work everything out at my own pace. After about a month I had the moment of realisation: He was a complete and utter Evil Cockbag. Even though I never had the pleasure of meeting the boyfriend stealing trollop who he bumped uglies with, I had just as much an issue with her as I did with him. After all, she knew he had a girlfriend and yet she still decided to mess around with his joystick on several occasions and break my heart in the process.
Vive le sisterhood. Bitch.
Did he just smile at me?
Oh he did. Right. Do I know him?
Er no. Oh shit he’s looking again.
Am I staring at him now? Shit. Shit.
Do I want to?
Well is he fit?
Shit. Not sure.
Oh f*ck he’s coming over.
Retreat! Retreat! (and run off to the loos…)
All of a sudden, after years of not looking at blokes, now I can’t help it, and every bloke I see I give the sly once over, then fly into a mad panic if they even so much as possibly glance in my direction (when in reality they’re probably just checking themselves out in the mirror).
I guess what I’m trying to say is that newly single me needed to hone my flirtation skills drastically, and on that first night I stood in bars like some petrified virgin on speed, anxiously checking everyone out with no intention of doing anything apart from run off to the bogs and possibly shart myself.
Fortunately for me my good friend Beth had other ideas….