Tuesday, 9 March 2010

The Ex-Files

I know I've started dating now but I think it's time for me to get something off my chest. 

Before I split up with my now ex-boyfriend I was a bit naughty.

I guess you could say I had a bit of a rebound before I actually split up with him.

Well kind of... It’s halfway between that and the push I needed to realise that the relationship was over.

Yeah I know, I'm a terrible person, but as with most things in life - it was complicated.

I’m not proud about it but the feelings I had were something that I hadn’t felt in a long time, and they jolted me to do something I’d been putting off for months: end it with my boyfriend and leave me where you found me in my first post: Tragically fantasising about rugby players.

Matt is my latest ex and we were together for two and a half years before we finally split up. I don’t want to go into too much detail about the ins and outs of our relationship as unlike the random dates I did care for him. 

However the big problem we had was that he was a complete and utter arsehole.

Well, maybe that’s a bit harsh...

As our relationship progressed it turned out that his opinion was the only one that mattered.  Great eh?  The foundations of a happy and healthy relationship, right there...  I tried to talk to him on several occasions about how I felt and how things weren’t right, but it started to emerge that if he thought there wasn’t a problem then there wasn’t a problem. I would be patted on the head and brushed off to go quietly mad, wondering how he managed to manipulate me so easily.

Of course, that was after I’d stood behind his back, furiously flicking him with the V's.

Quite often if we were out with other people and I made a statement, Matt would step in with the line:

“No dear, that’s not right.”

It was a proverbial patronising pat on the head. There, there, run along and stop being such a silly girl.


I kept hoping that my feelings for him would just click back into place and I would feel like I did for the first year of our relationship, but it just didn’t happen and the months passed by.

I know what you're thinking, why did I put up with it?  Well the answer is, I let the relationship continue because Matt was an expert at manipulation.  By the end I felt like I was losing my identity and I didn't know what I thought about things anymore.  But he did it in a very subtle way, which made me question if he was messing with my head or not.

As I said, it was complicated.

If I hadn’t found the Christmas present that he’d bought for me then I don’t know if I’d have got the wakeup call which pushed me to call it a day...

I knew that Matt had bought my Christmas present as he smugly announced it one day in early December while we were having lunch. Now I’m not the best at surprises, and if someone tells me that there’s a present for me hidden somewhere in the house then it's guaranteed I’ll turn the place upside down until I find it.

So I waited for him to go out and then I accidentally ransacked his room.

I was hoping that he’d paid attention to the jewellery catalogue I’d left open on the coffee table and he’d take the hint and have a look. I’d circled some bracelets and necklaces and written “I really love this one” in a subtle effort to guide his purchase.
After about half an hour of rummaging around in his bedroom (and carefully placing everything back exactly as I found it) I stumbled across the beautifully gift wrapped present stuffed at the back of his sock drawer.

He had definitely bought me some jewellery as I recognised the wrapping paper they use in the shop.  The present was wrapped in a small box about 10cm x 10cm and about 4cm deep. I studied it for a few seconds to try and work out what he could have bought me based on what I’d hinted at, and then I gave the box a shake.

Something inside knocked against the wall of the box. Odd.

I shook it again. Same thing.

I couldn’t think what it could be.

Was it a box within a box?

Oh f*ck. It sounded like a smaller box within this box.


The only box smaller than this is a ring box.

Oh my God.

Had he bought me a ring?


Please God don’t let it be an engagement ring.

Oh shit shit shit.

At that moment my heart sunk to the floor. 

Matt proposing to me on Christmas Day was the worst thing that I could possibly imagine happening to me.

I sat on the bed holding the perfectly wrapped Christmas present in my hands. I looked at the dainty snowflakes on the wrapping paper and its pretty gold ribbon with a massive lump in my throat.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. What was I going to do?

I didn’t want to marry Matt. I didn’t want to pledge my heart and soul to such a pompous wanker.

It had been going on for months. Matt wanted us to buy a house together, but because of the way I felt I didn’t want to go down that route at all. I owned my home so I would have to sell, whilst Matt was renting so it was easy for him. I would have all the risk and I just couldn’t see the reward. I had been putting off house hunting for months but now with the prospect of him getting down on bended knee I knew I couldn’t take it anymore.

I put the present back in the gift bag, covered it with socks and closed the drawer.

Then I drank a whole bottle of wine and cried.

(To be continued)


  1. Don't be too hard on yourself - just think that everything that has happened in the past has got you to where you are now...er...to being footloose and fancy free and ready for Mr Right's arrival!!

    I'm really wondering whether it even was an engagement ring or just some shit present. I hope you did actually find out and will reveal in the next installment. I'll put a pound on it being something crap!

    Rapunzel x

  2. 'However the big problem we had was that he was a complete and utter arsehole'

    Bwahahaha! Sorry, that was just a great way to put it. Sometimes harsh is just right ;)

    Actually, from your description he sounds almost like my ex-husband! He would never verbally pat me on the head in public like that (I would kick his ass), but the selfishness and subtle manipulation sounds about right. Manipulation to get what he wanted and making it sound like it was your idea!

    Hey, at least you figured it out before you got married! Sometimes things are put into our lives (like that ring) to give us a wake-up call. Don't be so hard on yourself!


  3. You might be a little naughty, but you are also very SMART! A good idea to NOT marry him, and an even better idea to NOT sell your house and buy one with someone who is not your husband. You are all kinds of smart, girl, so you should feel great.

  4. Glad you found out now that you didnt want to be married to him or purchase property.

    For some its way too late and they take those steps cos they "still believe he will change".

    Proud of you for knowing what you wanted and what you didn't.

    ~Being Samiantha

  5. Oh wow, well I think it's good that you know how YOU ARE FEELING, some girls go with the flow knowing they don't want to be with the guy. But you know how you feel, and that would have been much better then to divorce later =]

  6. This was like sitting down with my best female mate and letting her spill her heart out. Except she'd burp in between sentences. Ace.
    *Read about my dating disasters at plentymorefishoutofwater*

  7. Oh that suspense again it's unbearable!!! :))

  8. "I didn’t want to marry Matt. I didn’t want to pledge my heart and soul to such a pompous wanker."

    Quite possibly my favourite part so far.

  9. Even if you was "naughty" at the end I really wouldn't beat yourself up about it... sounds like he was an arse..

    Think of the fun you can have finding the bloke that actually treats you right now instead of making you feel like a non person.

    Cant wait to read more

    Lottie x

  10. Was the bottle of wine of lesser quality that you'd expected?

    I've cried over that too.

  11. is it wrong when you think about this from time to time about your current boyfriend? I love him to bits but I don't think I want to marry him....

    looking forward to the rest of the posts xx


  12. You kill me with suspense, Kate. I'm no good at surprises either. Yours having me climbing the walls!