Music: Heartbreak - Magistrates
Quite often if we were out with other people and I made a statement, Matt would step in with the line:
“No dear, that’s not right.”
It was a proverbial patronising pat on the head. There, there, run along and stop being such a silly girl.
I kept hoping that my feelings for him would just click back into place and I would feel like I did for the first year of our relationship, but it just didn’t happen and the months passed by.
I know what you're thinking, why did I put up with it? Well the answer is, I let the relationship continue because Matt was an expert at manipulation. By the end I felt like I was losing my identity and I didn't know what I thought about things anymore. But he did it in a very subtle way, which made me question if he was messing with my head or not.
As I said, it was complicated.
If I hadn’t found the Christmas present that he’d bought for me then I don’t know if I’d have got the wakeup call which pushed me to call it a day...
I knew that Matt had bought my Christmas present as he smugly announced it one day in early December while we were having lunch. Now I’m not the best at surprises, and if someone tells me that there’s a present for me hidden somewhere in the house then it's guaranteed I’ll turn the place upside down until I find it.
So I waited for him to go out and then I accidentally ransacked his room.
I was hoping that he’d paid attention to the jewellery catalogue I’d left open on the coffee table and he’d take the hint and have a look. I’d circled some bracelets and necklaces and written “I really love this one” in a subtle effort to guide his purchase.
After about half an hour of rummaging around in his bedroom (and carefully placing everything back exactly as I found it) I stumbled across the beautifully gift wrapped present stuffed at the back of his sock drawer.
He had definitely bought me some jewellery as I recognised the wrapping paper they use in the shop. The present was wrapped in a small box about 10cm x 10cm and about 4cm deep. I studied it for a few seconds to try and work out what he could have bought me based on what I’d hinted at, and then I gave the box a shake.
Something inside knocked against the wall of the box. Odd.
I shook it again. Same thing.
I couldn’t think what it could be.
Was it a box within a box?
Oh f*ck. It sounded like a smaller box within this box.
The only box smaller than this is a ring box.
Oh my God.
Had he bought me a ring?
Please God don’t let it be an engagement ring.
Oh shit shit shit.
At that moment my heart sunk to the floor.
Matt proposing to me on Christmas Day was the worst thing that I could possibly imagine happening to me.
I sat on the bed holding the perfectly wrapped Christmas present in my hands. I looked at the dainty snowflakes on the wrapping paper and its pretty gold ribbon with a massive lump in my throat.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. What was I going to do?
I didn’t want to marry Matt. I didn’t want to pledge my heart and soul to such a pompous wanker.
It had been going on for months. Matt wanted us to buy a house together, but because of the way I felt I didn’t want to go down that route at all. I owned my home so I would have to sell, whilst Matt was renting so it was easy for him. I would have all the risk and I just couldn’t see the reward. I had been putting off house hunting for months but now with the prospect of him getting down on bended knee I knew I couldn’t take it anymore.
I put the present back in the gift bag, covered it with socks and closed the drawer.
Then I drank a whole bottle of wine and cried.
(To be continued)