Cold Hands

Music: With Every Heartbeat - Robyn

So was Scott being serious?

I read his email again:

I picked up a bit of a groin strain at football practice last night.  If you’re available for a spot of massage and would like to rub it better then that would be most appreciated! :-)x

What about his girlfriend?

We never spoke about her or my boyfriend Matt in our emails, but we obviously both knew that they existed.

Up until this point we hadn’t done anything wrong. Had we?

Physically, no. But mentally?  Yes.  Definitely yes.

I thought about Foxy Scott constantly at work.  When I got home to see Matt I constantly compared him with Scott, and Scott always came out on top.

The email communication between Foxy Soctt and I had been getting increasingly flirty, and the way my heart pounded when I saw him couldn’t be attributed to anything else except that I fancied him. And I really fancied him. I imagined having sex with him when I was having sex with Matt. I imagined having sex with him when I was on my own.

I’ve heard people say before that having an affair in your head is much worse than cheating on your partner with a one night stand. I’ve never really understood what this meant before but now I got it.

A one night stand is more likely to happen after a shitload of alcohol in a weaker moment, not to be forgiven but probably not to be repeated either. In my head with Scott it was different because I had been getting to know him. I wanted him, but more so because in finding out about him I had started to fancy the person and not just his looks, as gorgeous as they were. I can now see that if you fall in love with someone in your heart, then you can betray them in your head, and this is what was happening now with me and Scott.

My relationship with Matt was nearing its natural end which is why I think I found it so easy to slip into it, but what did this mean for me? Was I no better than my ex-boyfriend the Evil Cockbag who shagged that woman from work? If I said yes to Scott’s indecent proposal and went anywhere near his groin then I would definitely be in the same category of cheating scum.

The Evil Cockbag started his dirty affair after working closely with a colleague. Did they start off their smutty liaison by emailing each other and getting increasingly flirty and close? Are the feelings I’m having for Scott and Matt the same feelings that the Evil Cockbag had about the woman from work and me?

Oh my God. I bet they are.

I bet I was his version of Matt.

And there it was. The realisation that I had come full circle and that I was exactly the same as my ex, the one who broke my heart and shat all over it.

Except I’m not though, am I?

I might have strayed in my head but I still hadn’t slept with anyone else. This didn’t really console me and I knew right then that Matt and I were over.

I knew that we could never get back what we once had before, and now there was a real reason to end the relationship as soon as possible: To stop me from sinking to the level of my cheating ex.  If I sank to the same level as him then I couldn’t complain the next time a bloke messed me around, and I would probably deserve it.

I responded to Foxy Scott's request for a sexy massage by saying that I would love to rub his groin but my hands were cold and they would need to be warmed up first. I know I was being way too subtle for him to understand this meant “not now, but when I’ve sorted out my boyfriend mess and if you become single then I would love to.” 

Scott said he would hold me to it at a later date.

Work finished for Christmas, and I had to finish my relationship.