Daffodils

Music: Time to say Goodbye

It is a bright and crisp late winter’s day. The sky is cobalt blue and there are no clouds in sight. It is the kind of day that my Grandma loved, which seems very appropriate as it is the day of her funeral.

Despite the chill in the air I feel the glow of inner warmth.  Arriving at the church in the funeral procession I see all the faces of everyone who has come to bid my Grandma a fond farewell. My Grandma was loved by more people than I realised. St. George’s church is very large, and it is almost full which means a lot to my Mum.

My Mum, Dad, brother, uncle and I sit in the front pew of the church as my Grandma’s tiny coffin is carried up the aisle and placed in front of the altar. It is a short, quite emotional service with a few hymns and a few words from the vicar. My Mum had written a lovely eulogy and my poor Dad had been psyching himself up to read it in front of everyone, but the vicar just ploughs on and reads it regardless.

Everyone is OK and I don’t think anyone cries, but my eyes do well up when I see just how small her coffin is and as I realise that my Grandma is inside. As we leave the church after the ceremony, I glance across the churchyard and see the first yellow bursts of daffodils praising the pale winter sun.

Regardless of everything, life is still flourishing around us.

During the course of the day, my brother does an excellent job of keeping my spirits up.

In the church he laughs at me when I kneel down and miss the prayer cushion and yelp as my knee whacks the floor.  He also produces an absolute classic as we approach the crematorium in the funeral cortege. 

The crematorium is at the end of a long, sweeping driveway set in beautifully landscaped grounds.  The entrance for the funeral party is covered by a glass tunnel. On sight of this my brother elbows me in the ribs and whispers:

“Is it going to be a drive-thru cremation?”

Oh yes, my brother is quite the comedian.


I can’t help but laugh. My Mum overhears his comment too and has to stifle a giggle as she is sat next to the funeral director.

It might be a day of sadness but it feels right to have as smile, as my Grandma always used to look on the brighter side.

We all get out of the car and made our way inside. The crematorium is a new building, and I am surprised as it is very bright and airy.

The service itself doesn’t last long, and I have to stifle my giggles again as my Mum tells me a story she heard about another cremation.  Apparently, when the funeral director at this other ceremony pressed the button to send the coffin on its way, it decided to pop back up again. Up and down, up and down, up and down it went, like a morbid jack in the box.

Fortunately this doesn't happen and everything goes without a hitch.

After the service we head off to the Sea View pub for the wake. My Mum chose this pub as my Grandma once commented that they put on a good spread after she attended someone else’s wake there.

By now it was about 5pm and I still hadn’t received a text message from Craig all day.  I know that this is by no means the most important thing, but it did bother me a bit as it would be nice to know that he is thinking about me. Maybe he doesn’t even remember that it is the funeral, although I’m sure he would as I told him the other day? It’s just common courtesy to ask me how I am, isn’t it?

In between last Sunday morning and today we have still been sending each other text messages but they haven’t been as frequent as before the night I stayed over at his house. I’m not sure if I should read too much into this, as I’ve been preoccupied with other things and he has been very busy looking after the business, but I do wonder if he’s losing interest after our night together.

Not that I'm bothered of course.  Craig is only a bit of fun.

As the wake is drawing to a close I sneak off into a quiet corner and send him a message.

Hi, how are you? You still working hard? The funeral was really lovely today – well as lovely as a funeral can be I think. Hope everything is OK with you. x

I’m lucky in that I’ve never been to a funeral before, but I think I would class this as one of the better ones, as no one was really upset and we all celebrated my Grandma’s life.

I receive a reply from Craig a few hours later, and if I’m honest his reply leaves me cold.

Glad today went OK. Work was well borin. Just off to the pub x

I read his text message over and over again.

I can’t work out if he is bothered about what is happening to me but just doesn’t know how to express it (which would explain why he didn’t get in touch during the day), or if he has completely forgotten about the funeral and isn’t arsed about me whatsoever.

I know I am reading way too much into the whole me and Craig thing again, as surely I should only expect a sensitive and caring response like that from someone I am seeing a bit more seriously?

No, actually I don’t think that’s true. I think it’s just nice manners to ask, especially as we have been arranging for him to come and see me in Leeds this weekend.

What is it that stops me from just living in the moment even now when I’ve set myself the task of having no strings fun? I’m hoping it’s just because I’m feeling a little more emotional than usual due to my Grandma’s death and not because I feel the need to cling on to every man I bump into.

The rest of the day passes in a blur and before I know it I'm back home.

No Goodbye

Music: Sunrise - Norah Jones

My hand trembles as I hold the phone as I know what is about to come.  I sit myself up and pull Craig's thick white duvet up under my chin.

“Hello, Dad?” I say cautiously.

“Hiya flower,” my Dad replies, but not in his usual cheery voice.

“Is everything OK?” I ask, knowing deep in my stomach that it can’t be.

“No love, no it’s not,” my Dad replies sombrely. “It’s your Grandma,” he continues. “Sadly she died this morning at about 7am.”

Oh no. Oh no that can’t be right.

“Oh Dad!” I exclaim. “Oh no, it can’t be. The doctors said the treatment was working.”

I don’t know what to do with myself and I sit up in shock as I listen to what he has to say.

“She passed away very peacefully,” my Dad continues. “Me and your Mum were with her in her last few moments.”

Tears prick the corner of my eyes before one splashes down my cheek.

“How is Mum? How is she doing?” I ask.

I can’t imagine how awful it must be for her. And here I am, naked after a night of stupid, meaningless sex when I should be there, with my family.

“Your Mum is upset, but she’s holding it together. She’s strong. That’s where you get it from.”

I sniff back the tears as my Dad continues.

“Just before she died, your Grandma quietly whispered that she was ready to go to heaven. She wasn’t in any pain at the end so don’t worry about that. She just closed her eyes and slipped away peacefully.”

“And how are you? How are you Dad?”

It must be so hard for him too. He got on really well with his mother-in-law, and now he has to be there to support his wife whilst he deals with his own grief.

“I’m doing alright,” he says. “The thing that upset me the most was the last thing that your Mum said to her before she died. She took hold of your Grandma’s hand and said ‘You have been so brave.’ Your Grandma passed away only a few seconds after.”

“Oh Dad!” I say.

That’s all I can say. I can tell that my Dad is as upset as I am.

“I’ll come straight home,” I say to him, whilst realising that might be slightly more difficult a task than I really want it to be.

“OK love. No rush though.”

Even now my Dad doesn’t want to feel like he is imposing.

“I’ll be round as soon as I can,” I reiterate.

“OK love,” he replies. “I’ve got to get back to your Mother now. I’ll see you soon.”

“Yes, see you soon. Bye Dad. I love you.”

“I love you too flower,” he replies, and then hangs up.

With the phone still in my hand and the duvet tightly wrapped around me, I just sit there and stare at the blank wall in front of me.

I feel so upset and guilty as I didn’t go and see my Grandma again before she died. My Dad said it was best not to visit her again.  During the past couple of days she had been slipping in and out of consciousness and it would have been very upsetting to see her. I was going to ignore him and go and visit her again anyway, but now I can’t and I feel terrible.

I also feel so exposed. I am in a strange man’s bed, not exactly sure where I am, and I am naked.

I need to get back to my friend Nicola’s house as soon as possible so I can get changed, pick up my car and get to my parent’s house.

I hear the sound of someone bumping up the stairs, then the bedroom door opens and Craig walks in smiling and carrying a steaming cup of tea for me. I smile at him weakly as he places the mug on the bedside table, before taking off his T-shirt and getting back into bed.

“I’m really sorry”, I say, “but I’m going to have to go very soon”.

“Oh, OK. How come?” Craig replies, not sounding particularly bothered.

I know he has to leave for work so he is probably relieved that I want to head off.

“My Dad’s just called me. My Grandma died this morning and I need to go home”.

Craig’s face softens as he registers what I have said.

I don’t know why, but I feel so lost.

“Can you just hold me please?” I ask.

Craig looks like he is in shock too, but he duly obliges and opens his arms. We lie down in silence, and he snuggles up behind me and holds me for a few minutes. It is a very strange experience. If I was with a boyfriend then it would have felt comforting and intimate, but with Craig, a man I hardly know it just feels so wrong and out of place. How can I be consoled by a man who I have only just met?

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I feel Craig starting to get restless behind me so I turn around to face him.

“Would you be able to give me a lift back to my friend’s house please?” I ask him quietly. “I need to pick up my car so I can go home and be with my parents.”

Craig is still holding me in his strong arms.

“Of course,” he replies. “Give me two minutes to get dressed and I can take you.”

I smile at him gratefully and Craig kisses me on the forehead before he climbs out of bed.

I don’t even bother to have a shower. I just want to leave.

I think that Craig understood how I felt. He seemed to make all the right noises at least. In his own sweet way he tried to make me laugh by putting on an oversized pair of paint splattered overalls which were way too big for him and kept falling off. I hurriedly get dressed and then Craig drops me off at Nicola’s in his car. (It was the sporty one on the drive, and he drives me there very fast, partly because I was in such a rush and I think partly to try and impress me. It doesn’t but I am very grateful for the speed).

His car pulls up outside Nicola’s house.

"Are you OK?"  Craig asks gently.  "I mean, will you be OK?"

"Yeah.  Yeah I think so," I reply.

I just want to get home and see my Mum and Dad.

“So, do you fancy meeting up again. You know, when everything’s alright.  No rush or anything, but...” Craig asks as he leans forwards in his sporty car seat.

He looks at me earnestly as his voice trails off, and I feel happy that despite everything that’s just happened he seems to like me.

“Yeah, that would be nice,” I reply.

“I’ll call you,” he says, before leaning over to me and kissing me gently on the lips.

As Craig drives away he looks over to me and waves as I wait for Nicola to answer her door. I lift my hand and wave back, and he smiles at me supportively before his car roars up the road.

I only stay at Nicola’s for about ten minutes so I can have a quick wash and get changed, then I drive to my parents as fast as I can. My Mum seemed to be OK and I haven’t seen her cry, but I think she had been for a bit before I arrived.

All this has put my shenanigans with Craig to the back of my mind as my family is definitely the most important thing right now.  It’s at times like these that I wish I had someone waiting at home who would wrap me up in big strong arms and look after me.

As it is, I don’t, but I know I will be fine.

Just as long as my Mum is.